. my thoughts exactly .

When I have time (which isn’t often right now during the summer), I like to catch up on blogs.
One of the blogs I read now & then is cjane.  She is local Utah mom who is an amazing writer.  I enjoy her writing style and story-telling ability.  In fact she is so good at writing, she has a column in the DesNews.
Anyway, I was perusing her blog the other day and read this paragraph:
(this is copied from her site, so I want to give her ALL the credit)

“What I didn’t plan on was five years of infertility. Which isn’t entirely true, my whole life I had an idea that I’d experience struggles with conception. Well, not my whole life, just the part when I knew what conception was. And deep down, in the middle of it all, I felt infertility was a choice I was making. A really hard, strong choice that was for the absolute best–for me, for my husband, for my babies. And as it turns out, that was true. Infertility allowed me a full-spectrum experience where I was allowed to discover sorrow and joy. It gave  my character shape and depth, it grew me into something wild and wonderful and it taught those around me compassion and empathy. Most of all though, it trained my ears to hear the voice of the Lord. I like to thank that spot of me somewhere in my psyche that chose it.”

I couldn’t believe it!  She literally took the words out of my mouth, except I would never be able to say it so well.
Having also dealt with infertility (twice), her thoughts gave my experience/s a complete understanding.
I sometimes wonder why it took us 4 years to get pregnant with both Conner & Logan and then little Audra just appeared outta nowhere :-)!
I think I now understand.
I also always had a hunch that I would have a difficult time getting pregnant, buried somewhere deep inside me.  I also think this hunch was formed out of a necessity to grow myself, my relationship with Dave and most importantly to grow my relationship with my Father in Heaven sometime later in my life.  After Logan that was no longer needed and so Audra could make her presence known without a trial.

I love having these personal epiphanies.
Of course I would have rather not endured those difficult times, but when I look back and realize how much I grew I know it was all worth it.
So glad I came across this post and paid attention to it (there are no coincidences)!


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